posted 02/27/2005 (Sun) @ 03:59 am
>>> Humor
The Prayer Rug
I got a piece of mail today that has completely changed my life. Oh, sweet Jesus. Sweet Jesus is hanging on my door!
God has finally realized that I am poor, mortal, and dependent upon paper money. He is going to take care of it now. Well, it is about damn time. As an added bonus, if I can believe “A.R.F.,” I won’t have to worry about sore throats anymore, either. Finally!
Maybe you don’t believe me. Here is an actual testimonial printed on the included brochure:
“God blessed us with $10,700. He went out and bought us a car. Enclosed is a donation from both of us.” - L.B.
The letter enclosed was riddled with checkboxes for what people should pray for me (”My Soul,” “A Money Blessing,” “A Home to Call My Own,” “I Want to be Saved,” “Pray for God to bless me with this amount of money: $________,” etc.).
And then there was The Prayer Rug. Apparently, if I take this “prayer rug” that He sent me and sleep with it, Jesus will take care of my financial needs.
“Notice the face of Jesus on this Church Prayer Rug. When you first look, you will notice that His eyes are closed. If you relax and continue looking into his eyes, you will see His eyes slowly opening.”
Apparently God has gotten into the Magic Eye business. Many, many years too late, but hey, He’s only God. Also, the prayer rug He sent me is unfortunately a bit subpar: only one of Jesus’s eyes really opens, so He looks like He’s just been in a mosh pit. Or at sea. Yaaaarg!
To collect my money, I was supposed to send back the prayer rug so that someone else could get God’s love, too. I’m assuming all the water-to-wine miracles must have left Him too drunk, weary and unable to simply transubstantiate new prayer rugs from thin air. And since I am only human and filled with sin and selfishness, I decided that the prayer rug was just too fucking cool to give back, so it will stay tacked on my door at least until the Rapture.
I felt bad that I wouldn’t be able to let other people win prizes totaling $46,000 or more from Our Lord and Savior. Luckily for all of us here outside of the Dark Ages, I own a digital camera, which I have used to document God’s word for all of his children, once they have finished masturbating to Internet donkey porn.
I’ve taken pictures of Jesus for everyone to look at. If you want your money, print out the prayer rug and kneel on it, then use it as a bookmark in your Bible somewhere. Or, if you don’t have a Bible (which is okay), just sleep with Jesus. He’s got His eye on you.
But for tonight only.
Tags: agnosticism, annoyance, atheism, death, god, irritation, jesus, misery, pain, religion, spam
